Heart Story....

Paper mache heart....made up of tiny newspapers and art
created by the composers and characters of my life...

There is a painting of a heart, dripping to the floor... a coupon for happily ever after... 2 for 1 drink specials....

Many articles left behind are written in a foreign language I have yet to learn and covered by the score of last weeks Charger game.
Some leave classified adds....."For Sale, one soul.... will take drugs, sex, or melodrama."
Others leave personal adds "SWM, no social skills, with eyes to kill, lives just below fickel hill and will do anything for a cheap thrill."

I know that my heart is

Some headlines read "Bar room brawl, leads to high speed chase." You can never read the details you just have to wait for a personal encounter...Others are insipid, overly critical and decisive leaving me to wonder, what did I do? At what point do you make more than just an article on my heart?

ireland....

I woke up this morning, and the fog and sea breaze made it remind me of Ireland outside. Got me to smile a smile I almost forgot about. The smile of enchantment, and life lessons, history and wonder... So blessed to have been there, so fortunate to have been able to stay. Learning every day, loving even more, missing my view of St Patricks Cathedrial... whats your story?

Water Pump....

When it rains it pours, were the last words I uttered before an entire steaming hot pot of tea spilled on my feet... and I couldn't help but laugh for a brief second before the tea made its way through the leather of my shoes and began to burn inbetween my toes. It was then that I realized.... I haven't had a bad day in a while and well.... looks like I was over due.

Jellyfish

Whats in a spine? And what in the hell do you think your doing with mine? It belongs in my back, where I stand shot but tall and you without one are bound to fall.....

We're all sheep....

Question: How stupid is the average American or the law that comes out of the mistakes made? Does it surprise anyone that its illegal to bowl down the sidewalk in Chico? Or that in Fresno you can't host a Poker Tournament in an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL? That must really upset all of the degenerate 9 year old gamblers!
In Lompoc its illegal to own roosters and in Ontario they can't crow within the city limits..... sounds like they should consider both laws?! Holloywood has a law that you cant drive over 2,000 sheep down Hollywood blvd at the same time...And all I can think is... seriously WHO in Hollywood has 2,000 sheep and how in the hell do you take more than a hundred sheep anywhere at anytime? Okay, okay, okay...this one gets me and instigated this WHOLE blog..... Did you know that in Long Beach it is illegal to curse on a mini golf course.... and cars are the ONLY thing permitted to be in you garage? First off all I can't even think of a single Mini Golf Course in Long Beach  and seriously who doesn't use their garage for the multi-use storage facility? And what ass hole had their garage so over filled that it spontaneously combusted, in turn ruining it for the rest of us pack rats? After doing a bit more reading I have learned that San Francisco has some of the strangest laws of any place in California.... Its against the law is Frisco to wipe dirty underwear on a car or give oral sex...... The first one I can see... okay true its pretty fuckin disgusting for you to wipe your dirty underpants on a car; however, I can NOT believe that oral sex is against the law in San Francisco.... It just doesn't make sense, especially since San Francisco is one of the most liberal places in California.... I think I actually saw a man give oral sex to another man at the pride festival a few years ago up there..... So I wonder how many street bowling, blow job, shit pants, 2000 sheep, stuff in garage tickets have been written and who is the idiot that got the first one?

Blessed are those who love.....

I wanted to write you a story, a poem or a fable.... actually I was hoping to make love to you on that table.... and then I remembered, this girls on her best behavior and my goodness am I lucky that your not my neighbor. Because I have gotten a handle on your needs and another on your heart.... and most of my energy focused on a less complex body part. Im in as many pieces as that glass I dropped upon your floor, and just a closed or open as your ever swinging front door... but the one thing I know to be solid, the one thing I know to be true is that not a day goes by when I don't want to make sweet love to you. I wasn't ready when I met you... I had a lot of life to live, I pretended I could return all the love you had to give. I knew my potential then, far surpassed my action, and I am so sorry I didn't give you a bit more satisfaction. But here I am remembering whats and when... "I know I fucked up before".... "but I promise to be nothing like I was back then"..... Your my friend first and I truly want you to be happy.... and Lover I am so so sorry this blogs a little sappy! Its just you seem to walk back in and remind me of why I loved you from the jump street, Im holding on to those words you say  like somehow they are mine to keep....  If the traffic on the road to your heart soon fades, please let me know because there is plenty of love to be made... Blessed love

just a thought.....

The kinetic vs potential, offering a brief glance at woman vs man one running full speed, the other with full speed in hand..... "Ill offer you forever" she says, as he wonders "what's for dinner?", she reaches out her hand to him, because this one is a beginner.

Growing....Growing.... Gone!

"But I have come a long way...." was the last thing I uttered before you smiled and turned away.... and it was just then that I realized... you see right through me. You know where Im coming from, and remember most of where I have been, everything came full circle for you and me just then. I said I was sorry for all of the messes I have made, with depth and image so vivid you would think it was Thomas Kincade. Forgive me of my faults, mistakes, accidents, and shame forgive me for the conspiracy, plotting and unnecessary blame.... I know not how simple your life was way back then.... I know not a way to take my mind from what could have been.... Stepping on your heart and balls wasn't my great intention, I really wanted to love you, but that I forgot to mention....
Lost in the anomaly commonly known as my own mind, unsure how to let go of the pieces my heart has intertwined. Never fully closing my own doors... getting many slammed hard in my face. Knocks me down a peg or two and puts me right in my place!

Back on my knees.... but if Im here all alone.... who am I to please?
Maybe I should pray....

Melt with you.....

Its heating up in here and I know its not because you walked in.... The sun is burning spots on my heart and in my skin. The air we are breathing is polluting down to our core, the way were treating the planet.... is making mother nature a whore. Someone is raping her sky, pillaging her trees, holding her down to drill, then forcing her to her knees. BEGGING FOR MERCY..... she is crying.... inside she is dying.... and I have to ask, are you even trying?
http://www.blogactionday.org/

Trust No Bitch....

The secret is in the sauce.... or at least "that's what she said" and all that keeps running through my mind is how I should have stayed in bed.
He has a baby, and shes got one on the way, they just got married and I think he proposed yesterday... and then there is my life. The one that has been plotted from day one, somehow all my knots untied and my plots have been undone... I have patience and hope just as much as the next, a bit of pure conviction that leaves most men perplexed. But somehow I feel it already appropriately true... that the only way a man would stick is if I were made of glue. I have to stop acting like only I know because while I might know a real good way, there is a million ways to grow. Its purely my own doing that I am almost too difficult to comprehend but I would have to blame the liars, cheats and ass holes for for my hearts surviving on liquid mend.... Mean mean girl... can't keep her smart ass mouth shut, but at least my condescending self lets you know what is what..... Not feeding you lies... that renders me your queen or just some bitch, just like the thin line between love and hate... you alone can decide which is which....

next or last....

This is the point of no return....and the lessons that I learned will be gathered and used as sutures for the wounds that I have earned.
Because every now and again I am faced with circumstances so far out of my control that I allow myself to resort to childhood with desire to hide in the nearest hole. And as much as I said that "I just want you to be happy"... I wanted you to find that happiness in me... And now its seems we must agree to disagree... Because I know I am not that girl I imagined in my head... I know I could not fulfill all those promises that I said. This selfish little bitch has surfaced and I feel helpless once again, not because I cant control the kid in me but because Im being a shitty friend. I want to say Im so happy, stoked, and overjoyed for all the excitement of your new little boy. So its best if we take a break from sight, a hiatus from your touch, a semi-permanent good bye from " I miss you oh so much".... because your heart is no longer mine to hurt due to lack of care, your tiny little pieces have been swept up and put in the shop for repair.... and this is my I am sorry, for not being a better fit....but I suppose this is best for both, as hard as that is to admit. I want to say I am proud of you, for growing up so fast. And how Im not surprised that you saved the best for last. You were my first real love, and also my first true friend and as much as my pride wants to stomp off, that friendship will never end. Its hard for me to say without feeling a little crazy.... but I can't wait to meet the little lady, and I am so excited about the baby. I simply must say Thank you, for helping me to change my ways... If you hadn't taught me about respect in love, I would be doomed to lonely days.... and fuck if I don't end up the cat lady anyways.... LoL
Thank you Friend....

Again.....

I puked a little in my mouth when I heard the news. And Im not too proud to say I swallow and chase it with some booze. The taste that was left in my mouth, somewhat resembles my mood knowing all that shit you fed me, well... none of that was food!

hearts they are a beatin....

So then it hit me...like a ton of bricks to the head. I have always been in control of this situation I was just never quite aware of what "this" was until now. The self. Me....I.....Within me there is the ability to "make lead, follow or get the hell out of the way" and within every option I have there is a brief moment to prove to myself who I really am. With every choice I am given a little gift from God to either make the most of or make a mess of... so then I leap. My existenz begins.... and my fears fade to black........ I will wait for nothing and fear even less Sine Metu.......

M.I.A.

You left your heart on my pillow just before you kissed me goodnight, and as much as I would love to keep it and hold it close, I have a felling that just isn't right....
I think you might be needing it back in your chest. Time wounds all heals and I think you may need a rest. And as much as I would love to be your blanket to hold close in the night, the pillow you lay your worries on and your soothing voice to tell you every little things gonna be alright. I just can't..
Your story to real, and mirrored to my own.... only the story I didn't write, the one before I was grown. Im so sorry my sweet.... I can't tell you how to handle what your going through, still fearful of walking away from you.
But none the less here you are my dear, I am giving this bloody mess back to do with it what you will. Although I must admit longing for you was quite a thrill......
I refuse be your everything, when you wont even let me know who you are, then every little bit I learn leaves me with a little scar..... Be about you, be about change, be about true be somewhat strange... Remember where your came from, where your going, where you have been, remember to take that new car for a spin. Don't forget whats your priority, remember love is the minority, and that you have authority to make love, break love, hope love, poke love, take love, fake love, peace love..... peace love..... peace love.....until then.... love

Lessons learned, lessons earned, lesson....burned!

If a tree falls and hits my car while I am sleeping will it make a sound? And if it does....will I learn my lesson and not park there again? Or will I hope that the tree trimmers that came out each following morning, might have done a sufficient enough job to leave my new car safe.....Should I have bought tree insurance?

In every moment of our life.... there is a lesson to be learned, a scar to be earned and a way to get burned.... but we have to take the initiative and have our head on the shoulders that God gave us to fully see which way is which.....

Background......My streets are lined with beautiful large pine trees that were obviously not planned very well when the neighborhood was built due to their rather obtrusive nature on the streets, sidewalks and yards now that they are close to full grown.
I returned from vacation about 3 weeks ago and parked my car across the street in front of my neighbor Dennis' house. Now this particular spot used to be where Dennis parked his car because his wife's white Cadillac was parked in the driveway. She even went so far as to buy him a "Dennis Parking Only" novelty sign and nail it to the tree in front of their house... did I mention this sign was the last thing she bought her husband before she died?.... he eventually sold her Cadillac, and began to park his car in the driveway. So the neighbors are again free to park there. Unless you own a white Cadillac like I do. Because then, on two separate nights... EXACTLY 3 weeks apart... at 1:30 in the morning you will be woken up to the information that the tree that marks "Dennis' Parking Only" has dropped a HUGE limb on your car..... And here is the kicker. My car is parked in that exact same spot as I sit here an write today.
So back to the matter at hand... the parallels with this exact situation that LIFE has given me to that of my own life... Now a tree... the SAME tree has fallen on my car on two separate occasions... and unfortunately as it may be, this is how I seem to make decisions and learn in life. I make a mistake, get burned, earn a scar, suffer damage to my car, wish on a star and walk away learning from a far. Because I do it again.... knowing the risk.... just because I hope that this time might be different. And I know its not just me... I know more people than I can count on my hands and toes who are living on the hopes "maybe it wont happen this time", but Einstein said it best.............."Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result'" Now I have to wonder.... will I learn my lesson before the whole tree falls on me and park my car and my soul somewhere else and if I do that... will a different tree fall and crush me just the same or will I remain safe here with the newly trimmed beast hovering over me...Is this the trees coming for me to seek revenge for their smaller hemp sisters? Does this parallel my relationships? Is a ghost dropping limbs on my car? Does any of this mean anything??? To be continued.

Foreva.....

Loving you, is the most healthy and unhealthy thing I manage to do. I try to remember what it was about you that I believe is still true.... And then I instantly become blue. Everything but me....... And I know I will never stop loving you... But Why? There isn't a reason to lead me to believe, that for just one second I should wish I didn't leave... But then there are those dreams, and the constant inner fights. That leave me sitting up wondering, what your doing tonight. Sometimes I send a text... still know that number off the top of my head, and when I don't hear back from you I remember the last thing you said. But some how I still want to knock on your door, and ask you what for, or if helping me through it would have been such a chore....just once more. Make love, fight until I cry, remember that with or without you I have nothing left to hide.... What if I lost...my one chance at happily ever after, all because I was too scared to put down my wall and let in a bit of laughter.... Too serious Nichole. Your always too damn serious.
But since Ive gone on...I fell like I lost that heavy weight on my heart, and now it seems I'm not such an emotional shopping cart. I now know who I really am, how much I can handle, and what I need from a man. I owe that to you and our loves inner war, If you ever decide that you want to be my friend, My heart is your open door..... xo

man of my dreams....

There was this dream I had, and I do believe it was you.... that kicked down the walls in my heart and made everything around me blue.... Thanks to you....no, thanks to me.
I can see how superficial my old intentions must have seemed.... and as much as I explain, rotten is how it will be deemed.... this I know...kinda blows....
I lied, I cheated, I think I may have stole, more than I could ever repair to again make this existence whole.....Im sorry....so sorry....
Learning every day, how to treat you right, still knowing it doesn't matter much because all I can gain is insight....no more fights...truth in the light. I was wrong.
All of you.
This is for the Irish love that I left at wayside, knowing damn well I the universe wanted our worlds to collide.... you ever coming back?
And the man who I knew I never should have dated.... he wasn't stable enough and had to be sedated....I was ignorant enough to have waited.
The boy with the green thumb, for his marry jane and his money.... never should have followed you... but I decided that Id make a better dummy....cant believe I still loved you
The boy with the bug, and the ex-wifey to match.... I wish I were older then, I might have seen you as a catch....to little too late.
The nicest guy in the world.... love you to this day... there isnt a single bad word of you I could say....wish things could have ended up another way but you deserve better....I get it now.
And a future dream love, waiting for your attention, not to mention the love intervention. Come find me.,,,, I think you see me.
xo

Humbled at Heart....

There I was, sitting alone on the corner or romance and fallacy wondering how I got there and which road I was going to take out of this empathetic existence. The moments and days of resenting lack of success and failed loves were fading and I began to recognize that no matter how hard I try to manipulate a situation if it isn't in the energy of the universe, it isn't worth my energy.

In reality I have always known in my heart..but due to a resistance in my own head and emotional rebellion against the comfortable and went the route of the painful. So now it is just up to me to take the conscious recognition of my addiction to dangerous and unrealistic boys and find a way to embrace comfort..... The endurance my heart has already had to prove to the world existed may not last as long as once predicted and that humbles me. I am begining to understand the beauty is simplicity. Resilience is a gift from the heavens and the ability to appreciate it is a gift from my grandfather and my only hope is to love again unconditionally. Changing ever changing, and begining to understand the blessings given in the simple joys of life rather than the grand gestures. Jah will find you in the details.....

Live and let live....just the same as we live and let die.... LOVE.

I forgot

The perfect moment has yet to come, and so here I am..... Living on two different sides of the window wondering and wishing that it was just a little clearer. With my hand pressed on the cold hard glass on the inside and my feet planted in the dirt on the outside I can not help from feeling a little innocent for the first time in my life....

love and bless

It depends on if you have things.... or they have you.

Letting go is often the strongest thing that a person can do.In life it seems we have an easier time acquiring junk than we do letting it go. We harbor emotional baggage that is difficult to let go of. Most people are not conscious of how much they are carrying and how many of their possessions are no longer adding value to their life.

More often than not it is the struggle to hold onto baggage too heavy for our hearts that causes the damage to our journey we only notice after our flight has left. Now the term "baggage" is used very metaphorically to explain the amount of feelings, issues and problems one continues to hold onto throughout their lives; however, it is also a very literal term in the fact that the the more we pile in, the harder it is to explore. I'm not sure if; it is a psychological norm for women to all want the world to fit into their bag, human nature to be a pack rat (physically and mentally) or if it is just me..... but I do know that no matter how big a bag I get there just isn't room for my issues, tissues and "miss yous" to all be in one place.

From time to time, usually seasonally, I find myself dumping my whole purse onto the floor, scattering the various items that once weighed on my shoulder across the ground. As I examine each piece I ask myself, do I REALLY need to carry this with me everywhere? If the answer is yes I place the chap stick, eye drops, wallet, keys, patience, forgiveness, sympathy, empathy, and love back into my bag and move on to the next piece but if the answer is no, and I do not need to take this specific item with me everywhere, I then ask, if I even need it at all. If so I find an appropriate place to put my nail file, post-its, sharpie, anger, sexuality and competitiveness that is accessible enough to grab whenever I need. And then there is the majority of my load... stuff I dont need or want it... and more than you would think I find myself having to throw away over 1/2 the content of my bag (metaphorically and literally) and wondering what compelled me to hold onto an old band aid, dirty gum, ink less pen, hate, jealousy, and self pity for so long in the first place.

Then I remember....I was afraid I might need it some day and I didn't want to be unprepaired. And I thought that it might just be a fucking FABULOUS idea to lug it around for the rest of my life......burdening myself and those who have to sit and watch me suffer....


But really.... if I was in need of a piece of gum, I would rather have none than chew on a piece that has dirt, crumbs and flakes of weed in it. If I cut myself, would I really want to put an OLD dirty band aid on it? And every time I pick up a new bit of anger or jealousy do I really want to stack it on top of preexisting angst? And the answer is no....

Every now and then, I just have to dump it all out on the floor and start over....lighten to load, cause all the good airlines tax me when I fly by the weight of my bags........ and if I cant foot the bill or leave something behind then it looks like I'll miss my flight.

Sometimes the shortest distance between two points is under construction.....or stained

At a crossroad with a reason, a season and a lifetime.... Standing next to a jacaranda tree. As the wilting purple flowers fall to the ground stain the sidewalk and anything they land on I am left to reflect on the parallels of this tree and some the relationships we make.

Much like the jacaranda tree, when in full bloom, many relationships exude such an awesome beauty we are left with onlookers and admirers indulging in purity and charm, but just the same. as the season changes we are left with stains on our paths and digression in brightness and color. Some seasons run with the cycles of the year, some have reasons involved and some can last a lifetime. Now the question I must answer for myself is if the flowers die and fall to the ground, will I remember how beautiful they once were? Did I take enough time to appreciate the blossoms in bloom or did I wait until they fell to the ground to put on my captain obvious hat and state what and inconvenience cleaning up the aftermath was? And although its true their mess ultimately is somewhat of a nuisance during the end of the season, if I took the time to embrace and indulge in the energy they once produced in their blossoming and purple glory, no matter how fleeting it may have been, the demise would almost always prove worthy. And if I find myself with enough perceptiveness to enjoy and flourish in the reasoned beauty I may never find myself complaining of the difficulty of the end, because all I will be able to think of is the next time I can enjoy the beauty of the season, reason, or lifetime once again.... Until then you wait, and pass by the seemingly dead trees...waiting for the pang of nostalgia when the next passionate harvest of energy will take place. Please and thank you Jacaranda tree, for your beauty, and pain, for the beginning and the end, for the alpha and omega, yin and yang......balance..... xo

(my apologies to anyone who was to park their car under this tree! LBC)

The overwhelming truth....

Why is the reason Im told to stay, the same reason that sent you away? Im just an old fashioned girl, cracking oysters hoping for a pearl.



With my heart on my sleeve and my shirt on the floor
Please watch your step if you walk out that door
Its sad to say but I already let you in this far...
I refuse to sit and just wish on my luck starts.
They can't help me now,
It is way too late
This one will be played out by the hands of fate.
It was just a date... was it just a date....?

Im just a good girl, wanting you to be my good man
Holding on to what I believe, but unsure where to stand
Don't run away...at least not today
All I want is for you to stay....

Stupid fucking country songs
Make me not understand where I went wrong.
"Here comes goodbye", and "he ain't the leavin kind"
Keep playing over in the back of my mind.
Wishin this record was broken like my hope and pride...
Hey, fuck it! I really like you I have nothing at all to hide.
Its easy to be afraid, even easier to run away
But I refuse to let fear run my life and that will started yesterday.
I can take a bit of rejection
I can understand if I'm just not your kind a girl
Please don't just leave me wondering
Say good bye or lets give it another whirl?

Im just a good girl, wanting you to be my good man
Holding on to what I believe, but unsure where to stand
Don't run away...at least not today
Just for me...wont you stay....

When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!

Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give not only to ourselves but to whomever we were harboring our anger toward. When we practice forgiveness we practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on our mental well-being and ultimately allow our souls to be set free from the chains of negativity. There are a million ways to perceive forgiveness, some religious, some spiritual, some metaphysical but they all come back to one solid understanding and that is that life without forgiveness is a lonely and unsatisfying road.

Then on the contrary...there is something to be said about forgiveness that goes against everything I try to stand for and believe in. Some people just don't deserve it (including myself)... I mean its not that they never will.... its just that they aren't ready yet. And not because they aren't sorry... only because they don't know how to make it right. But for the self and inner peace, it is just more beneficial to forgive regardless of right. Its not a personal situation, its a circumstantial one. Anyone can become a better person; however, that doesn't mean that things will be better for the circumstance. Continually opening ourselves up to an individual that TIME and TIME burns every bridge we attempt to build no matter how sorry they are.... well that my loveys is called masochism. You can make a BEAUTIFUL meal, but if you shit on it.... no one will eat it! And sorry only works if things are going to be different.
I was never a big fan of hurting physically, I mean the occasional ass slap here and there could tickle my fancy but I never took myself for the type of person who enjoyed pain either mentally, emotionally or physically. So why is it that I continue to allow myself to fall victim to hallow sympathy? I think I am going to change this too... wrong me once shame on you wrong me twice SHAME THE FUCK on me! I have to tell myself.... learn your lesson Nichole, stop setting yourself up for disappointment Nichole. Know that when your instincts tell you something using the soft spot in your heart to make the decision will almost always leave you bummed Nichole! Feel it... really feel it!

Do not make decisions or tell someone "how you feel" out of anger, while drunk or in sympathy, instead chose to make decisions based on rational, love and instinct.

It is foolish for me to become emotionally invested in a person who I know is a volatile person for my growth and development. Its true on both sides of said relationships. I know that no matter how much I want to be a supporting factor in the change of many hearts, I am and will always be a roadblock in the emotional, spiritual, and mental development of some of those very same individuals. For that I am going to be forever sorry. I will work on my judgment, and attempt to ease my cynicism but I will not make myself a martyr, I will not be a victim, I will not be angry. I will not ever ask for anything from you, that I can't give you myself. Love.....



Now religiously Buddhism expresses how negative thoughts and lack of forgiveness can cause for a bad karma and according to Abhayagiri Buddhist Monks "If we haven’t forgiven, we keep creating an identity around our pain, and that is what is reborn. That is what suffers." Christianity understands forgiveness, not as a rule or spiritual duty, but as a form by which the people of God embody their mission to live as a people who are reconciled to God. And contrary to popular belief the Qur'an describes the Muslim believers as those who, "avoid gross sins and vice, and when angered they forgive. (Qur'an 42:37) and says that Although the just requital for an injustice is an equivalent retribution, those who pardon and maintain righteousness are rewarded by GOD. He does not love the unjust. (Qur'an 42:40).

I say hate hurts your heart. Love through the pain, the struggle will reveal your path....

An erection does not count as personal growth!

Change is inevitable, right? There is no person in this world who is the exact same today as they were yesterday and this is the beginning and the end of so many problems. People change and grow together, grow apart, grow a fungus, don't grow fast enough, grew too fast, grow a new limb, don't want to grow, want to grow one way but fail in their direction or get real creative and try make a life out of it...growing that is. But what is the catalyst that sparks conscious maturation? At what point do we as human beings realize that even though nature takes us through the major, physical and biological forms growth and change.... the internal shape is up to the individual.

I have spent a good portion of my life explaining how the circumstances in my world have caused me to end up the way that I am. How, because someone else wasn't doing their part somehow my world wasn't right. The absence of a stable or sober mother gave me an excuse for my flawed social skills, my manufacturing and cheating father gave me an excuse for the lack of patience or trust, and my abusive step mom gave me real reason to hate women and have some intense anger issues... It wasn't until I was left alone in an hallow house with empty dreams and broken promises that I truly realized that the only way I am going to be sure my life ends up the way I want it to .... is if I ACTUALLY want it to enough to make a decision to change and practice some serious follow through. At one point I was actually convinced that I was going to have to change so much that I could make what I was doing at the time work out simply because of my own pride and fear of failure...but running away from something volatile isn't failure it is just and appropriate change, so long as your running in the right direction... I learned then and will continue to work on the transposition of my life into what I believe it should be. Change is possible. But only if you believe.



We are a generation of enablers. It has become a social norm to just say "because of my broken family" or "I never had a Dad" but the reality of the continual cop out we are all saying is "It really doesn't matter that much to me". Because even though it is true, we are shaped from birth on what to eat, how to dress, where do go, what to believe, who to trust, how to tie a shoe and so many more things we are given individual minds for a specific reason, to make individual decisions. Once we come to the realization that our parental figures have embellished the truth to us most of our lifes to scare us into submission of their rules and out of danger, we are then given the freedom of choice. Ignorance is bliss, but the knowledge will set you free! Once we realize that no one person has all the answers and that it is up to us as solo beings in the planet to find the answers that best fits our heart we are truly released from all the burdens we were given as children and harboring as adults....


"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations." Anias Nin

Amy... Oh Amy

Amy Winehouse: You can't help but wonder what keeps a person locked into the vicious cycle of drug abuse when it is more than just a "loosing game" but has become a public spectacle. Not only was she told by Simon that she needed to "go to rehab", been hospitalized for various reasons (dehydration, overdose, etc.) but now it seems as if she is even giving up. After attempting to perform one of her beautifully written classic style songs "Valarie" at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival she paused for almost a minute and then proceeded to walk off stage leaving backup singers and audience stunned...It is obvious to see that this was a drug induced reaction to something that didn't sit well with her but what will it take for her to see that she isn't the only one walking out...
The authenticity and originality of her style reminds so many of us of those before her, spiraling out of control unsure if they will make it to 28.... and they didn't. Let us all hope that someone, somewhere helps her see that she doesn't want to join the likes of Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kirk Cobain.... Because style and talent like that is meant to be shared....

Lost Touch?

So I have to ask.... whats next? How much more can we do to achieve a false sense of intimacy while still enabling the complexities of social anxiety? How many medias do we need to communicate without really learning how to communicate? I have to admit, I am at fault...Look at me here, blogging away letting everyone "really know" how I feel but I am a huge fan and advocate of true and honest communication. It is becoming easier by the minute to hide behind a text, an e-mail or an update in our attempts to express ourselves. BUT WHY?
Fear? Pride? Humility? Anxiety? Laziness? Why is it that some of the most intense messages given to me have been conveyed behind script? How is it that some of the most emotionally advanced people I know are allowing the demise intimacy to be conducted through their fingers?
THUMBNATION!
Don't get me wrong, I see the simplicity however I do not think it is in the bste interest of the human condition of insecurities and avoidance to ever text, type or write something out of anger that we would not be willing to say for all the world to hear.
Is this artificial friendship that we are making via false communication going to some day override the old fashioned need for intimacy? Are we going to lose touch so badly that we forget how to?

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has far surpassed our humanity"Albert Einstein

Whats wrong?

Naturally one would assume that it is of great importance to live a life of integrity and interest; unfortunately, it seems to be a greater priority to most of human nature to live a life of power and conquest. So many of us are so caught up in being liked, and not is interested in taking responsibility for the faults in our character or actions. Its not easy, but we all must do it at some point in our lives... accept defeat, concede, throw in the towel and realize that the energy being used to perpetuate negativity is not only detrimental to your self awareness, contentment, dreams and relationships but it also can and will ultimately affect your health. The need to show everyone how much of a monster you see in another only brings out the monster in you. The mirror being used to burn another is a two way and will double as a magnifying glass and ultimately leave the exposer.... exposed and if the sun is shining just right will "catch a fire so they can get burned".
Not Everything that is broken must be fixed and often it is up to us to sweep up the pieces and either recycle or trash the reminiscence.
Honesty, consistancy, and love.....neosporin for the soul

Humble Pie

When I look in the mirror I am not always pleased. Often I find myself picking at my face and any little imperfection that I have...at the end of my facial excavation I look worse than I did in the beginning and now I am going to have scars.... what compels me to continue to worsen an already repugnant situation? The obsession I have to fuck with something if its not the way I think it should be permeates to the rest of my life... and often ruins some of the best parts of my existance. I know its not just me... and I do know that women are more likely to have this tendency over men. At what point are we as individuals willing to accept an imperfection within or without ourselves allow it to exist and rather than put make up over it, cover it with a big sweater or numb it with a bottle of Jameson why has it taken me 23 years to be able to see that humility and love are the only medicines to my internal emotional disease. Inner peace is the only way I will have outer peace... Learning to love the criticisms that are given to me, because people who love me want me to better myself... learning to look in the mirror and point less fingers, knowing that its not what you say its how you say it, accepting that there is always time for an apology and the times when you really don't think you should have to give one, are the times that you most likely should. There isn't a pill, process, person or place that will repair the internal damage I have inflicted upon myself; however, there is hope. Within myself... I have hope and I can be the catalyst of the internal healing.... Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow is going to beat today. Let to love in.

Blessings in the form of pain....

Just when I think I have things figured out, the essence of humility is sure to surprise me with an unexpected blessing. Now blessings can be within most any circumstance it is just up to the owner of the life being touched to see the gift being given. My most recent blessing was in the form of a car accident... as ridiculous as that sounds my life has been made better by the fact that I was in one of the most ridiculous crashes I have ever seen... I hit a parked car for cring out loud! And it wasn't the accident that made for such a blessing it was the the things that unfolded after. Not only did I realize I no longer wanted to live in a neighborhood that I had to hunt and offer lamb sacrifices to the parking Gods to find a spot, I have also I learned a bit of humility in having to rely on others for transportation but most importantly it allowed me time to assess my life and the the people and places I hold dear to my heart because while I was so busy driving around and occupying myself with useless activities I was unable to see that some the most important ones were going unattended or deliberately ignored.
Another blessing came in the form of a hate letter. Now, I would like to say that I do wish that I might have had a friend rather than I hate letter about the things I was doing wrong.... but hey at least I was able to see that its true, who I am is ugly sometimes...but fortunately for me I have made strong bonds with other very special people who are willing to hold the mirror to my face and help me clean the spinach from my teeth. Also in the letter I was made aware of the complete lack of transparency that my so called "friend" was willing to offer me and this made me see why I appreciate those who are willing to be honest about my faults to me without being hateful...
And my final blessing in disguise was the illness of my Grandfather. Now unfortunately this particular illness ultimately lead to his death, and that by NO means was a blessing to any one other than him because he was released from pain; however, the last few months of his life were like pulling the shades from my eyes...family....friends....love....counting your blessings and of course fun were all things that my grandfather wanted to be sure to impart to his loved ones... while he never actually told me "These specific things are important" what he did tell me was "Stop wasting your time thinking about what you did have but don't any more, and start appreciating the things you do, like today.... all I have for sure is my family and today" That STUNG! My heart broke into a million pieces when I heard my Grandfather tell me that all he really had was us and today...but it was true.
All any of us truly possess is this moment... What are you going to do with it? Instigate a debate, get a ticket, make a call, write a letter, wreck your car, breathe, lie, make a movie, dream, embrace, explore, cry, make dinner, buy shoes, sell your soul, steal a heart, give someone hope, make love, make a baby, make a mess, take a picture, take their breaths away, or maybe take your last breath.... was it worth it?
xo Nichole West

A Crooked Smile is Still a SMILE!

There was a lesson to be learned, and a story to be told buried in the dreams I use to keep from growing old... The law of average will catch the recklessness I failed to ignore and Karma will return all of the energy I made sure to implore. I searched for a beginning, a middle and end... but to most of those endings I did have to pretend. Pretend it didn't hurt, pretend I wasn't phased; however, getting punched in the face by a car has left me some what dazed....
I know that I am quite selfish... working on that as you read. And my pride...well most of that I am willing to concede. I try to have my cake, sneak off and hide some for later, and while he wasn't looking I flirted with the waiter. Admitting my faults, is one of my least favorite past times... but at least I got away without committing any more crimes.
I am sorry that Im so opinionated, Im sorry I felt the need to be sedated...I wish I would have thought twice before I told you why I should be hated. Now you know who I really am, and Im not that flawless life I pretended to own... But I do know its time in life for me to atone.
Growing up is frightening, and I do not want to ever go it alone. That why we have family and a few friends to call on the phone.
Swallowing all that life seems to shove down my throat, finally starting to understand why grandma tells you "BE SURE to take a coat!"...No matter how the day looks when you get ready to go, the clouds and rain always have potential to show... but its learning to be ready when the day slows you down and still rock the shit out of that smile even if you would rather wear a frown.

S.o.S.

I once had this friend....I thought it was her
But lately a memory is all I have left to infer
My mind has been blown, and confused just the same
But I am pretty sure, I can take half the blame
Dictation and finger pointing has never been a great success
But now that I see it, I want to clean up this mess
Your too stubborn to admit fault of the milk on the floor
I try to mop it up, but you just spill some more
I know I helped break the glass, but there is room for repair
Ignoring that there is a issue, feels a little unfair
Loneliness will soon come, if no attention is paid
To the terrible friend this situation has made
People care, and want to help where they can
And everyone wonders how this ever began
Inches away from indifference, and miles from fine
Waiting here for you to find the time.

The aftermath of a fool....

Forgiving is difficult...for whatever reason there is a part inside every person that insists on holding on to the twinge of anger or hurt that is left within us about whatever it was the infected our insecurities. That lack of forgiveness often trails on into the continued behavior or action that we were upset at ourselves or someone else over in the first place. There are so many reasons that I want to be angry with situations, people and mostly myself; however, there are so many more miracles in my life showing me why resentment is not worth it... The less I try to force things to fit, the more they actually do.
The second that I realized me trying to fix things is what broke this in the first place I decided that wasn't how I wanted to live my life. The eternal cloud attitude would not be able to continue on into my adult life... but at what point to I separate the parts of me that I want to banish from the parts of me that are worthy... again I think if I just allow myself to be vulnerable and open rather than try to force the change....it will be apparent. Many of the issues have already surfaced, and I wish that I had figured out that I am the projection and power of all the energy that I require and that my will should be aligned with Gods will.... forgiving, compassionate, free of judgment, and full of love. I am working on it.... The rope has been given to me, and now its my decision if it will swing me to safety or become my own demise... I have a positive outlook and think this humility is the beginning of it all. Its all my fault, I know.... To be continued.

My Chocolate Man

I bit the head off of a chocolate bunny today only to discover the similarities between the chocolate Easter animal I possessed in my hand and that of a man. Not all chocolate Easter bunnies are the same nor are any two men however some how they can all seem to be packaged into a few groups. Some chocolate bunnies are hollow, some are solid, some have nuts, others are cream filled and a few aren't bunnies at all, some are ducks! The hollow ones are disappointing because while you may have gotten your chocolate fix you can't help from feeling cheated on the big picture you thought you were getting. There is much to be gained from a hollow bunny in the ways of life...the hollow bunny will teach us that even though it might be beautiful and look perfect from the outside in the end we will not be satisfied instead we find ourselves longing for more... The solid ones are nice because there isn't any trickery and you usually know what your getting yourself into due to weight, however they are hard to eat and often quite boring because the lack of diversity. You may get half way through the ear only to realize there is no complexity to this treat or man and making you wish you could at least be pleasantly surprised about something. Surprise! There are nuts in this one, lets hope you weren't allergic and DON'T break a tooth... Then there is the cream filled, while it does make up for the hallow bunny in the fact that it is full and also for the solid one in that is is diverse, and the nutty one that its soft but what about the mess that it makes once you bite its head off? The bunny that you thought was going to hold its composure but as soon as its injured ruins your clothes and wastes napkins....

It seems they all look the same on the outside, and if we were to leave them wrapped in their Easter foil we may never know the difference, and it only takes one time to strip them down and bite off their ears to see whats really on the inside. The only downside, is that one bite might keep him from hearing you forever....might turn him into just a ball of caramel. I wish he could still hear me.

3rd times a charm?

So the more that I look at the whole situation the more I am able to accept full responsibility ... I see now that the loss I have acquired is nothing more than a direct result of my own neglect and self absorption. There are many reasons to blame those around me for my own unhappiness but in reality I am the only one to point at. And that is not to say that people haven't wronged me along the way or completely disregarded the fact that I was a human being at all; however, there is no individual or moment that is responsible for my reactions and actions...only I am.
Every person plays a very specific role in my life on the shaping of who I am....but it is up to me who I chose to keep around to sculpt my existence. Recently I was faced with a really strange reality....my childhood friends all grow and become their own people and sometimes those people they become, are not the people who I would chose to be friends with today. Or a man who I thought I could love forever has changed in such a way that I could not imagine more than 6 minutes with this person, but I am still in love with his soul. So at that point it is a choice we must make do we continue to beat our own heads against walls just because we want to be friends, or lovers with someone or do we accept the truth of the matter that we have just grown apart? And at what point do I actually see it? When do I get off of my high horse and see that the me who I have become has many of the same views looking back? Live and let live...and every now and then its just smarter to walk away.
Love is an option, those you love a priority, Friends want the best for you, true friends want to help, life is too short to try and force love into forever and too long not to give at least 3 good chances....but if you fail all three times.... It might be time to move on

The strangeness of acquaintances

I truly love the kindness of strangers, one of the best parts of life....but what about the strangeness of acquaintances? That dirty feeling you get after spending 20 minutes talking to someone who you do not like for whatever reason.... That "hows work, hows the family" fluff when what you really mean is "did you finally get a job? and hows that slut your dating or the one your cheating on her with?". That one moment when you wish that you were an ass hole and said just that or better yet said NOTHING and walked away. What is to be said of that? Is it wrong to fake sincerity when its only purpose is to make life go more smoothly? Or what about those times when you apologize when you know for sure that you have nothing to be sorry for... is it wrong to lie about regret or remorse if its only objective is to keep people from being angry? They say honesty is the best policy.... but to what extent?

R.I.P. Grandpa James Berry Jr.

Husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, friend, revolutionary, Mr. Fix-it, gardener, story teller, history lesson, world traveler, . But today is the day that I have spent most of my life wishing in the back of my mind would never come. There are many reasons why I had hoped to keep my Grandpa forever, most all of them are the selfish "because I need him" kind; however, God has a much larger plan for people who have the character and moral fortitude that Grandpa possessed.

If I could only pick one thing to tell you all about my grandfather it would be something you already know, because I would say that every person here is a slightly better person just because they knew him. When I talk to anyone about leading by example, he is the FIRST person that comes to my mind. He was a man of genuine integrity and charisma, a true lover and a family man. The kind of man who gave little girls hope of having a happily ever after... because even when things were hard he never faulted on being true to his life as a husband, a father, a grandfather, or friend.

Growing up, my entire, life until I was old enough to drive myself, every other weekend Grandpa would drive out to wherever I lived, pick me up and bring me to their house for the weekend. RAIN or SHINE… he was there. He must have put 40,000 miles on his many dodge vehicles he owned throughout my life. But he wanted to be sure I understood that just because everyone in the world around me may be falling apart doesn't mean I have to. He wanted to instill in every one a certain level of self sustaining lifestyle..He taught me how to believe in myself, bait a hook, gut a fish, golf, be resourceful, recycle, drive a car and a boat, and not to mention he was the camping guru, and we mustn't forget Kern River is the best and most sacred place in the world!! He stayed strong for everyone no matter how crazy things got, but was always sure to have fun along the way and he never took life to seriously, because as he used to tell me "Don't sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff!"

He was a man of few words but of many great and inspiring actions. Even though he was an old fashioned man, he was always open to listen to any of my cookey new age ideas, tell me how to make them better or why they wouldn't work, he comforted me when I was distressed and wanted nothing but the best for all of his children, grandchildren and friends regardless to their beliefs, location or orientation. He offered true acceptance and respect regardless to weather he understood or not, but he would always be sure to let you know what he thought... a heart of gold...hard working...loving husband, father, grandpa and friend.

Today we should all leave here just a little bit more driven, passionate, accepting, loving and happy because that's what he would have wanted. Love and Blessings

Thank you for everything Grandpa!

A year ago today....

A year ago today and I could not say that I have watched the sunset from the Eiffel Tower or ever been in love and hate within the same hour...Kissed the blarney stone, been 6,000 miles away from home, felt calm in a room alone, with a return date unknown. One year ago today my life had gone astray and I lacked any patients to display...I fell for an idea, thought it was the man but then I realized my love grew like a rose in the sand... Between there and here, in just under a year I have dusted off many parts of me that I sadly used to fear... I found my patients on the Emerald Isle, tucked under a painted on smile was the one that has wanted to come out for some while.... Found a bit of love and class and a cute little ass traveling our way through England like snakes in the grass...A year ago today, and I would have to say that I thought I had seen a lot along my way. Then I was put in my place by the most breathtaking space of Stonehenge and Abbey Road in the same day. (I AINT SEEN NOTHIN YET!). Last year around this time, I had never been caught for any crime, but some how, now I know how to walk that line...I was humbled hard as soon as we landed, I had taken Language for granted, but the Dutch weren't of much help when we got stranded. People told me I was rude, for the way that shared my mood on all the things that I could conclude just then I saw my heart protrude. I found responsibility for my actions and a bit of satisfaction and all of the attraction to learn how to bring it down just a fraction...(CHILL OUT NICHOLE!) A year ago today, I left the USA, went about my way thought part of me would stay but I am back to be cliche! (THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!) Thought I wanted distance from those that blood does relate, only to find myself in Belgium wanting family in my fate, learning about healthy living to control the weight, with no need to sedate, and ready to come back and set things straight...

Every day is mine, and I will make of it what I want,
In short....
Do not take anything for granted...
Put family first,
Be honest to those who you want respect from...
Love as often as possible and with as much of you as you can because These feelings are only good if we use them and they will only get any Better if we become in touch with them...
Make time for people who really matter because in reality time is all you Really have all you can truly posess is this moment,
Your lucky if you can count your true friends on one hand...
Humility is a gift and a chore...
Do give second chances, dont be a fool about it!
Say what you believe, believe what you say!
Friends let you stay no matter how much space they have!
Guiness tastes WAY better in Ireland,
The best stories come from grandparents,
organic is the way GO GREEN OR GO HOME!
DO NOT fun dip while driving,
ONLY BREAK ONE LAW AT A TIME!
ALWAYS play dumb with cops,
I love Crepes,
Amsterdam makes me forget, and
DO NOT DRINK at the Piere Liches Cemetary in Paris they will arrest you...
SMILE, BREATHE, AND ENJOY TODAY!

(it was a year ago today that we had our going away party, and my whole life has changed for the better EVERY DAY since that day! Thank you all for sending us off with love)

Bruises, bunnies or bitches?

............I have to let go, every now and then...holding on was why it died in the first place. "The bunnies George... the bunnies... YOU KILLED THE BUNNY LENNY!" The selfish nature of my adolescents bled over into my adulthood and caused such a chaotic confusion in my mind that I, for a brief lifetime, had no idea why I was so lost. I blamed the people, places, and everything I could for my lack of conviction. I hurt those I loved the most because my life had been based from fiction. I lived on the other side of the rainbow and almost forgot about the tornado that just ruined my history. When Im not honest to myself I render my heart useless. Every choice that I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all regret and resentment and I chose that miracle. I hadn't let go of my thoughts of being owed, still believing that I was special and no one understood, I still thought I knew it all, I could do it by myself, and that I could actually change him, her, them.... Then I woke... saw my delusion...witnessed my pride over ride my heart...watched my own desires cover the needs of those around me and I exploded. This world was made with more than just me on it to learn, explore, question, and adapt... no matter where I go, there I am, all of the answers are out there and the questions to match...but just because I can tap into the energy doesn't mean that I understand, nor does it mean that I will ever fully understand. I must keep asking questions, loving with all of my heart, living my life based on the journey and NOT the destination... because its the yellow brick road where Dorothy found her life long friends... not in the emerald city! Love and Blessings
xo
Nichole Evelyn West....

nothing more nothing less....

Smile for me please?!?!

Why is it that when I smile at a person and they aren't feeling like smiling back they dont? I mean I understand not wanting to, but unless we push ourselves out of bad habits (like frowning) we will never re-train our minds to be happy again! Who wants to be sad all the time?!