Thursday, June 25, 2009

I forgot

The perfect moment has yet to come, and so here I am..... Living on two different sides of the window wondering and wishing that it was just a little clearer. With my hand pressed on the cold hard glass on the inside and my feet planted in the dirt on the outside I can not help from feeling a little innocent for the first time in my life....

love and bless

Thursday, June 11, 2009

It depends on if you have things.... or they have you.


Letting go is often the strongest thing that a person can do.In life it seems we have an easier time acquiring junk than we do letting it go. We harbor emotional baggage that is difficult to let go of. Most people are not conscious of how much they are carrying and how many of their possessions are no longer adding value to their life.

More often than not it is the struggle to hold onto baggage too heavy for our hearts that causes the damage to our journey we only notice after our flight has left. Now the term "baggage" is used very metaphorically to explain the amount of feelings, issues and problems one continues to hold onto throughout their lives; however, it is also a very literal term in the fact that the the more we pile in, the harder it is to explore. I'm not sure if; it is a psychological norm for women to all want the world to fit into their bag, human nature to be a pack rat (physically and mentally) or if it is just me..... but I do know that no matter how big a bag I get there just isn't room for my issues, tissues and "miss yous" to all be in one place.

From time to time, usually seasonally, I find myself dumping my whole purse onto the floor, scattering the various items that once weighed on my shoulder across the ground. As I examine each piece I ask myself, do I REALLY need to carry this with me everywhere? If the answer is yes I place the chap stick, eye drops, wallet, keys, patience, forgiveness, sympathy, empathy, and love back into my bag and move on to the next piece but if the answer is no, and I do not need to take this specific item with me everywhere, I then ask, if I even need it at all. If so I find an appropriate place to put my nail file, post-its, sharpie, anger, sexuality and competitiveness that is accessible enough to grab whenever I need. And then there is the majority of my load... stuff I dont need or want it... and more than you would think I find myself having to throw away over 1/2 the content of my bag (metaphorically and literally) and wondering what compelled me to hold onto an old band aid, dirty gum, ink less pen, hate, jealousy, and self pity for so long in the first place.

Then I remember....I was afraid I might need it some day and I didn't want to be unprepaired. And I thought that it might just be a fucking FABULOUS idea to lug it around for the rest of my life......burdening myself and those who have to sit and watch me suffer.... Photobucket

But really.... if I was in need of a piece of gum, I would rather have none than chew on a piece that has dirt, crumbs and flakes of weed in it. If I cut myself, would I really want to put an OLD dirty band aid on it? And every time I pick up a new bit of anger or jealousy do I really want to stack it on top of preexisting angst? And the answer is no....

Every now and then, I just have to dump it all out on the floor and start over....lighten to load, cause all the good airlines tax me when I fly by the weight of my bags........ and if I cant foot the bill or leave something behind then it looks like I'll miss my flight.


Monday, June 8, 2009

Sometimes the shortest distance between two points is under construction.....or stained

At a crossroad with a reason, a season and a lifetime.... Standing next to a jacaranda tree. As the wilting purple flowers fall to the ground stain the sidewalk and anything they land on I am left to reflect on the parallels of this tree and some the relationships we make.

Much like the jacaranda tree, when in full bloom, many relationships exude such an awesome beauty we are left with onlookers and admirers indulging in purity and charm, but just the same. as the season changes we are left with stains on our paths and digression in brightness and color. Some seasons run with the cycles of the year, some have reasons involved and some can last a lifetime. Now the question I must answer for myself is if the flowers die and fall to the ground, will I remember how beautiful they once were? Did I take enough time to appreciate the blossoms in bloom or did I wait until they fell to the ground to put on my captain obvious hat and state what and inconvenience cleaning up the aftermath was? And although its true their mess ultimately is somewhat of a nuisance during the end of the season, if I took the time to embrace and indulge in the energy they once produced in their blossoming and purple glory, no matter how fleeting it may have been, the demise would almost always prove worthy. And if I find myself with enough perceptiveness to enjoy and flourish in the reasoned beauty I may never find myself complaining of the difficulty of the end, because all I will be able to think of is the next time I can enjoy the beauty of the season, reason, or lifetime once again.... Until then you wait, and pass by the seemingly dead trees...waiting for the pang of nostalgia when the next passionate harvest of energy will take place. Please and thank you Jacaranda tree, for your beauty, and pain, for the beginning and the end, for the alpha and omega, yin and yang......balance..... xo


(my apologies to anyone who was to park their car under this tree! LBC)

The overwhelming truth....

Why is the reason Im told to stay, the same reason that sent you away? Im just an old fashioned girl, cracking oysters hoping for a pearl.

With my heart on my sleeve and my shirt on the floor
Please watch your step if you walk out that door
Its sad to say but I already let you in this far...
I refuse to sit and just wish on my luck starts.
They can't help me now,
It is way too late
This one will be played out by the hands of fate.
It was just a date... was it just a date....?

Im just a good girl, wanting you to be my good man
Holding on to what I believe, but unsure where to stand
Don't run least not today
All I want is for you to stay....

Stupid fucking country songs
Make me not understand where I went wrong.
"Here comes goodbye", and "he ain't the leavin kind"
Keep playing over in the back of my mind.
Wishin this record was broken like my hope and pride...
Hey, fuck it! I really like you I have nothing at all to hide.
Its easy to be afraid, even easier to run away
But I refuse to let fear run my life and that will started yesterday.
I can take a bit of rejection
I can understand if I'm just not your kind a girl
Please don't just leave me wondering
Say good bye or lets give it another whirl?

Im just a good girl, wanting you to be my good man
Holding on to what I believe, but unsure where to stand
Don't run least not today
Just for me...wont you stay....

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!

Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give not only to ourselves but to whomever we were harboring our anger toward. When we practice forgiveness we practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on our mental well-being and ultimately allow our souls to be set free from the chains of negativity. There are a million ways to perceive forgiveness, some religious, some spiritual, some metaphysical but they all come back to one solid understanding and that is that life without forgiveness is a lonely and unsatisfying road.

Then on the contrary...there is something to be said about forgiveness that goes against everything I try to stand for and believe in. Some people just don't deserve it (including myself)... I mean its not that they never will.... its just that they aren't ready yet. And not because they aren't sorry... only because they don't know how to make it right. But for the self and inner peace, it is just more beneficial to forgive regardless of right. Its not a personal situation, its a circumstantial one. Anyone can become a better person; however, that doesn't mean that things will be better for the circumstance. Continually opening ourselves up to an individual that TIME and TIME burns every bridge we attempt to build no matter how sorry they are.... well that my loveys is called masochism. You can make a BEAUTIFUL meal, but if you shit on it.... no one will eat it! And sorry only works if things are going to be different.
I was never a big fan of hurting physically, I mean the occasional ass slap here and there could tickle my fancy but I never took myself for the type of person who enjoyed pain either mentally, emotionally or physically. So why is it that I continue to allow myself to fall victim to hallow sympathy? I think I am going to change this too... wrong me once shame on you wrong me twice SHAME THE FUCK on me! I have to tell myself.... learn your lesson Nichole, stop setting yourself up for disappointment Nichole. Know that when your instincts tell you something using the soft spot in your heart to make the decision will almost always leave you bummed Nichole! Feel it... really feel it!
Do not make decisions or tell someone "how you feel" out of anger, while drunk or in sympathy, instead chose to make decisions based on rational, love and instinct.

It is foolish for me to become emotionally invested in a person who I know is a volatile person for my growth and development. Its true on both sides of said relationships. I know that no matter how much I want to be a supporting factor in the change of many hearts, I am and will always be a roadblock in the emotional, spiritual, and mental development of some of those very same individuals. For that I am going to be forever sorry. I will work on my judgment, and attempt to ease my cynicism but I will not make myself a martyr, I will not be a victim, I will not be angry. I will not ever ask for anything from you, that I can't give you myself. Love.....


Now religiously Buddhism expresses how negative thoughts and lack of forgiveness can cause for a bad karma and according to Abhayagiri Buddhist Monks "If we haven’t forgiven, we keep creating an identity around our pain, and that is what is reborn. That is what suffers." Christianity understands forgiveness, not as a rule or spiritual duty, but as a form by which the people of God embody their mission to live as a people who are reconciled to God. And contrary to popular belief the Qur'an describes the Muslim believers as those who, "avoid gross sins and vice, and when angered they forgive. (Qur'an 42:37) and says that Although the just requital for an injustice is an equivalent retribution, those who pardon and maintain righteousness are rewarded by GOD. He does not love the unjust. (Qur'an 42:40).

I say hate hurts your heart. Love through the pain, the struggle will reveal your path....