Monday, March 30, 2009

3rd times a charm?


So the more that I look at the whole situation the more I am able to accept full responsibility ... I see now that the loss I have acquired is nothing more than a direct result of my own neglect and self absorption. There are many reasons to blame those around me for my own unhappiness but in reality I am the only one to point at. And that is not to say that people haven't wronged me along the way or completely disregarded the fact that I was a human being at all; however, there is no individual or moment that is responsible for my reactions and actions...only I am.
Every person plays a very specific role in my life on the shaping of who I am....but it is up to me who I chose to keep around to sculpt my existence. Recently I was faced with a really strange childhood friends all grow and become their own people and sometimes those people they become, are not the people who I would chose to be friends with today. Or a man who I thought I could love forever has changed in such a way that I could not imagine more than 6 minutes with this person, but I am still in love with his soul. So at that point it is a choice we must make do we continue to beat our own heads against walls just because we want to be friends, or lovers with someone or do we accept the truth of the matter that we have just grown apart? And at what point do I actually see it? When do I get off of my high horse and see that the me who I have become has many of the same views looking back? Live and let live...and every now and then its just smarter to walk away.
Love is an option, those you love a priority, Friends want the best for you, true friends want to help, life is too short to try and force love into forever and too long not to give at least 3 good chances....but if you fail all three times.... It might be time to move on

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The strangeness of acquaintances

I truly love the kindness of strangers, one of the best parts of life....but what about the strangeness of acquaintances? That dirty feeling you get after spending 20 minutes talking to someone who you do not like for whatever reason.... That "hows work, hows the family" fluff when what you really mean is "did you finally get a job? and hows that slut your dating or the one your cheating on her with?". That one moment when you wish that you were an ass hole and said just that or better yet said NOTHING and walked away. What is to be said of that? Is it wrong to fake sincerity when its only purpose is to make life go more smoothly? Or what about those times when you apologize when you know for sure that you have nothing to be sorry for... is it wrong to lie about regret or remorse if its only objective is to keep people from being angry? They say honesty is the best policy.... but to what extent?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

R.I.P. Grandpa James Berry Jr.

Husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, friend, revolutionary, Mr. Fix-it, gardener, story teller, history lesson, world traveler, . But today is the day that I have spent most of my life wishing in the back of my mind would never come. There are many reasons why I had hoped to keep my Grandpa forever, most all of them are the selfish "because I need him" kind; however, God has a much larger plan for people who have the character and moral fortitude that Grandpa possessed.

If I could only pick one thing to tell you all about my grandfather it would be something you already know, because I would say that every person here is a slightly better person just because they knew him. When I talk to anyone about leading by example, he is the FIRST person that comes to my mind. He was a man of genuine integrity and charisma, a true lover and a family man. The kind of man who gave little girls hope of having a happily ever after... because even when things were hard he never faulted on being true to his life as a husband, a father, a grandfather, or friend.

Growing up, my entire, life until I was old enough to drive myself, every other weekend Grandpa would drive out to wherever I lived, pick me up and bring me to their house for the weekend. RAIN or SHINE… he was there. He must have put 40,000 miles on his many dodge vehicles he owned throughout my life. But he wanted to be sure I understood that just because everyone in the world around me may be falling apart doesn't mean I have to. He wanted to instill in every one a certain level of self sustaining lifestyle..He taught me how to believe in myself, bait a hook, gut a fish, golf, be resourceful, recycle, drive a car and a boat, and not to mention he was the camping guru, and we mustn't forget Kern River is the best and most sacred place in the world!! He stayed strong for everyone no matter how crazy things got, but was always sure to have fun along the way and he never took life to seriously, because as he used to tell me "Don't sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff!"

He was a man of few words but of many great and inspiring actions. Even though he was an old fashioned man, he was always open to listen to any of my cookey new age ideas, tell me how to make them better or why they wouldn't work, he comforted me when I was distressed and wanted nothing but the best for all of his children, grandchildren and friends regardless to their beliefs, location or orientation. He offered true acceptance and respect regardless to weather he understood or not, but he would always be sure to let you know what he thought... a heart of gold...hard working...loving husband, father, grandpa and friend.

Today we should all leave here just a little bit more driven, passionate, accepting, loving and happy because that's what he would have wanted. Love and Blessings

Thank you for everything Grandpa!

Monday, March 9, 2009

A year ago today....

A year ago today and I could not say that I have watched the sunset from the Eiffel Tower or ever been in love and hate within the same hour...Kissed the blarney stone, been 6,000 miles away from home, felt calm in a room alone, with a return date unknown. One year ago today my life had gone astray and I lacked any patients to display...I fell for an idea, thought it was the man but then I realized my love grew like a rose in the sand... Between there and here, in just under a year I have dusted off many parts of me that I sadly used to fear... I found my patients on the Emerald Isle, tucked under a painted on smile was the one that has wanted to come out for some while.... Found a bit of love and class and a cute little ass traveling our way through England like snakes in the grass...A year ago today, and I would have to say that I thought I had seen a lot along my way. Then I was put in my place by the most breathtaking space of Stonehenge and Abbey Road in the same day. (I AINT SEEN NOTHIN YET!). Last year around this time, I had never been caught for any crime, but some how, now I know how to walk that line...I was humbled hard as soon as we landed, I had taken Language for granted, but the Dutch weren't of much help when we got stranded. People told me I was rude, for the way that shared my mood on all the things that I could conclude just then I saw my heart protrude. I found responsibility for my actions and a bit of satisfaction and all of the attraction to learn how to bring it down just a fraction...(CHILL OUT NICHOLE!) A year ago today, I left the USA, went about my way thought part of me would stay but I am back to be cliche! (THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!) Thought I wanted distance from those that blood does relate, only to find myself in Belgium wanting family in my fate, learning about healthy living to control the weight, with no need to sedate, and ready to come back and set things straight...

Every day is mine, and I
will make of it what I want,
In short....
Do not take anything for granted...
Put family first,
Be honest to those who you want respect from...
Love as often as possible and with as much of you as you can because These feelings are only good if we use them and they will only get any Better if we become in touch with them...
Make time for people who really matter because in reality time is all you Really have all you can truly posess is this moment,
Your lucky if you can count your true friends on one hand...
Humility is a gift and a chore...
Do give second chances, dont be a fool about it!
Say what you believe, believe what you say!
Friends let you stay no matter how much space they have!
Guiness tastes WAY better in Ireland,
The best stories come from grandparents,
organic is the way GO GREEN OR GO HOME!
DO NOT fun dip while driving,
ALWAYS play dumb with cops,
I love Crepes,
Amsterdam makes me forget, and
DO NOT DRINK at the Piere Liches Cemetary in Paris they will arrest you...

(it was a year ago today that we had our going away party, and my whole life has changed for the better EVERY DAY since that day! Thank you all for sending us off with love)

Friday, March 6, 2009

Bruises, bunnies or bitches?

............I have to let go, every now and then...holding on was why it died in the first place. "The bunnies George... the bunnies... YOU KILLED THE BUNNY LENNY!" The selfish nature of my adolescents bled over into my adulthood and caused such a chaotic confusion in my mind that I, for a brief lifetime, had no idea why I was so lost. I blamed the people, places, and everything I could for my lack of conviction. I hurt those I loved the most because my life had been based from fiction. I lived on the other side of the rainbow and almost forgot about the tornado that just ruined my history. When Im not honest to myself I render my heart useless. Every choice that I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all regret and resentment and I chose that miracle. I hadn't let go of my thoughts of being owed, still believing that I was special and no one understood, I still thought I knew it all, I could do it by myself, and that I could actually change him, her, them.... Then I woke... saw my delusion...witnessed my pride over ride my heart...watched my own desires cover the needs of those around me and I exploded. This world was made with more than just me on it to learn, explore, question, and adapt... no matter where I go, there I am, all of the answers are out there and the questions to match...but just because I can tap into the energy doesn't mean that I understand, nor does it mean that I will ever fully understand. I must keep asking questions, loving with all of my heart, living my life based on the journey and NOT the destination... because its the yellow brick road where Dorothy found her life long friends... not in the emerald city! Love and Blessings
Nichole Evelyn West....

nothing more nothing less....Photobucket

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Smile for me please?!?!

Why is it that when I smile at a person and they aren't feeling like smiling back they dont? I mean I understand not wanting to, but unless we push ourselves out of bad habits (like frowning) we will never re-train our minds to be happy again! Who wants to be sad all the time?!