An erection does not count as personal growth!

Change is inevitable, right? There is no person in this world who is the exact same today as they were yesterday and this is the beginning and the end of so many problems. People change and grow together, grow apart, grow a fungus, don't grow fast enough, grew too fast, grow a new limb, don't want to grow, want to grow one way but fail in their direction or get real creative and try make a life out of it...growing that is. But what is the catalyst that sparks conscious maturation? At what point do we as human beings realize that even though nature takes us through the major, physical and biological forms growth and change.... the internal shape is up to the individual.

I have spent a good portion of my life explaining how the circumstances in my world have caused me to end up the way that I am. How, because someone else wasn't doing their part somehow my world wasn't right. The absence of a stable or sober mother gave me an excuse for my flawed social skills, my manufacturing and cheating father gave me an excuse for the lack of patience or trust, and my abusive step mom gave me real reason to hate women and have some intense anger issues... It wasn't until I was left alone in an hallow house with empty dreams and broken promises that I truly realized that the only way I am going to be sure my life ends up the way I want it to .... is if I ACTUALLY want it to enough to make a decision to change and practice some serious follow through. At one point I was actually convinced that I was going to have to change so much that I could make what I was doing at the time work out simply because of my own pride and fear of failure...but running away from something volatile isn't failure it is just and appropriate change, so long as your running in the right direction... I learned then and will continue to work on the transposition of my life into what I believe it should be. Change is possible. But only if you believe.



We are a generation of enablers. It has become a social norm to just say "because of my broken family" or "I never had a Dad" but the reality of the continual cop out we are all saying is "It really doesn't matter that much to me". Because even though it is true, we are shaped from birth on what to eat, how to dress, where do go, what to believe, who to trust, how to tie a shoe and so many more things we are given individual minds for a specific reason, to make individual decisions. Once we come to the realization that our parental figures have embellished the truth to us most of our lifes to scare us into submission of their rules and out of danger, we are then given the freedom of choice. Ignorance is bliss, but the knowledge will set you free! Once we realize that no one person has all the answers and that it is up to us as solo beings in the planet to find the answers that best fits our heart we are truly released from all the burdens we were given as children and harboring as adults....


"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations." Anias Nin

Amy... Oh Amy

Amy Winehouse: You can't help but wonder what keeps a person locked into the vicious cycle of drug abuse when it is more than just a "loosing game" but has become a public spectacle. Not only was she told by Simon that she needed to "go to rehab", been hospitalized for various reasons (dehydration, overdose, etc.) but now it seems as if she is even giving up. After attempting to perform one of her beautifully written classic style songs "Valarie" at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival she paused for almost a minute and then proceeded to walk off stage leaving backup singers and audience stunned...It is obvious to see that this was a drug induced reaction to something that didn't sit well with her but what will it take for her to see that she isn't the only one walking out...
The authenticity and originality of her style reminds so many of us of those before her, spiraling out of control unsure if they will make it to 28.... and they didn't. Let us all hope that someone, somewhere helps her see that she doesn't want to join the likes of Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kirk Cobain.... Because style and talent like that is meant to be shared....

Lost Touch?

So I have to ask.... whats next? How much more can we do to achieve a false sense of intimacy while still enabling the complexities of social anxiety? How many medias do we need to communicate without really learning how to communicate? I have to admit, I am at fault...Look at me here, blogging away letting everyone "really know" how I feel but I am a huge fan and advocate of true and honest communication. It is becoming easier by the minute to hide behind a text, an e-mail or an update in our attempts to express ourselves. BUT WHY?
Fear? Pride? Humility? Anxiety? Laziness? Why is it that some of the most intense messages given to me have been conveyed behind script? How is it that some of the most emotionally advanced people I know are allowing the demise intimacy to be conducted through their fingers?
THUMBNATION!
Don't get me wrong, I see the simplicity however I do not think it is in the bste interest of the human condition of insecurities and avoidance to ever text, type or write something out of anger that we would not be willing to say for all the world to hear.
Is this artificial friendship that we are making via false communication going to some day override the old fashioned need for intimacy? Are we going to lose touch so badly that we forget how to?

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has far surpassed our humanity"Albert Einstein

Whats wrong?

Naturally one would assume that it is of great importance to live a life of integrity and interest; unfortunately, it seems to be a greater priority to most of human nature to live a life of power and conquest. So many of us are so caught up in being liked, and not is interested in taking responsibility for the faults in our character or actions. Its not easy, but we all must do it at some point in our lives... accept defeat, concede, throw in the towel and realize that the energy being used to perpetuate negativity is not only detrimental to your self awareness, contentment, dreams and relationships but it also can and will ultimately affect your health. The need to show everyone how much of a monster you see in another only brings out the monster in you. The mirror being used to burn another is a two way and will double as a magnifying glass and ultimately leave the exposer.... exposed and if the sun is shining just right will "catch a fire so they can get burned".
Not Everything that is broken must be fixed and often it is up to us to sweep up the pieces and either recycle or trash the reminiscence.
Honesty, consistancy, and love.....neosporin for the soul

Humble Pie

When I look in the mirror I am not always pleased. Often I find myself picking at my face and any little imperfection that I have...at the end of my facial excavation I look worse than I did in the beginning and now I am going to have scars.... what compels me to continue to worsen an already repugnant situation? The obsession I have to fuck with something if its not the way I think it should be permeates to the rest of my life... and often ruins some of the best parts of my existance. I know its not just me... and I do know that women are more likely to have this tendency over men. At what point are we as individuals willing to accept an imperfection within or without ourselves allow it to exist and rather than put make up over it, cover it with a big sweater or numb it with a bottle of Jameson why has it taken me 23 years to be able to see that humility and love are the only medicines to my internal emotional disease. Inner peace is the only way I will have outer peace... Learning to love the criticisms that are given to me, because people who love me want me to better myself... learning to look in the mirror and point less fingers, knowing that its not what you say its how you say it, accepting that there is always time for an apology and the times when you really don't think you should have to give one, are the times that you most likely should. There isn't a pill, process, person or place that will repair the internal damage I have inflicted upon myself; however, there is hope. Within myself... I have hope and I can be the catalyst of the internal healing.... Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow is going to beat today. Let to love in.