Return to Faith....

Last night I had a client (who is a very dear friend also) that was scheduled for a meeting. He called to tell me that he was going to have to reschedule due to a group that he had made prior commitment to at a local church. As it turns out this local church is a church that I attended for a couple years nearly three years ago... this church is the first place I really ever felt the presence of God in my life...this church is ALSO how I met the author of the lovely hate letter that I posted a few days ago. Irony? Yes......coincidence? Very doubtful.

It was just then that I realized I had to go to this group...I had no idea what it was about... I wasn't sure what to expect, but I knew it was the Big Guy tapping on my shoulder saying...."Grace Nichole.... Patience Nichole....Love Nichole.... LESSONS NICHOLE!".... SO I went.

As it turns out the entire group, well actually its a 5 week course is about the struggle that people have every day in living a life of Grace, Patience, Love, Respect.... its about the little things that chip away at our integrity, and most of all how easy it is to do the wrong thing... and how the right thing is usually the tougher route. The course is called Faith Works Deadly Viper Character Assassins and it is being held through Parkcrest Church.... and I have only been in the first week, but I highly recommend it.

Man was I ashamed....I had a million things that I had written, little angry hurtful rebuttals to my "friends" response to me and my attitude and judgment. Telling her of all her issues, and the things that makes her a bad friend, but why? So that I can do the EXACT thing that she just did to me, so that I might assure her that I am not the the only fallen sinner. But why? She is a wonderful person, with a heart of gold and potential to be anything she sets her mind to... But I wanted to tell her everything else. Because my character was put into question and I went into attack mode, doing exactly what the forces of evil wanted me to do... put more anger and hate into the world. Its like we are every day faced with choices, cross roads, options that will either show the world how great you are or prove to everyone why society is failing... But Gods Love will not allow me to go down that path, I must fight against the anger that I feel and return it with love, pray for my friend who hates me, love those who don't have any for themselves, and take each day as a blessing and a lesson of who I can be.
Love
Love
Love is all you need.
xo

Never give up on anyone you can not go a day without thinking about.....

Missy.... Missy.... Missy

I dropped my voice down and octave just to let love in. Took a few steps back and now the music begins.... Its those moments when you least expect her. God finds a way to make art of this life's blur. Fucked up, beat down and sittin at the bottom. Watchin the sun fade away like it was autumn. Who's to blame and who's leaving here bloody. There is a lesson in life man I think you should study. As far back as you even want to remember. That life was harvesting your soul like it was November. Pick up the pieces and swear its the last time. I believe that shit cause you like a different kinda shine. Your too pretty little lady to let hope go. Your too smart for that baby just though you should know. Your more than what you've expected lately. Your a part of a universe that needs you greatly. If tomorrow never comes Im glad your back on the outside. Please keep that smile and know you never have to hide. You've come way to far to forget what your all about. The fire in your soul could never burn out. xo Soul Sister

Fuck Cancer

It was just that moment when everything around me changed. I knew from that point forward I wasn't allowed to take anything for granted. And up until this point in my life I had the impression that there was something owed to me. As complex as a love gone wrong and as simple as a rock that stubs our toe can redirect the entire path that we will walk tomorrow. But at the end of the day... there isn't much that actually matters other than those we get to share it with.

When the fog clears and cancer is all your left with to identify a period of your life it is quite apparent what really matters. It isn't the things you have acquired, or the recognition that you gained from onlookers, or even the money you have saved, won or squandered away. Its the moments of enlightened awe, and expressions of love, the kind words on a hard day, a new found respect from your parents, or even the extended hug from an old friend when reunited.

When you haven't left your bed for 5 days and the television seems to be your only friend, you remember who visits and who calls.... You also learn that some people are emotional health liabilities and better at arms length. Why its not necessary for everyone to like you and how it is completely healthy to know that some people, just simply aren't for you. Its a very vulnerable time, I felt completely open, immune system shot, spirits in the dump, self esteem down, skin color yellowed, energy low and all I keep asking myself is what are the lessons I am to learn here? Why is this happening to me now? What am I to gain?

This is what I have so far....
*The love of family and and good friend can heal...but only if you let it in.
*A family can be the most epic support system or the largest weight we carry
*Embrace every moment of happiness.
*Laughing saves lives
*Cancer is just a nicer word developed to replace "western civilization poisoning our bodies and destroying our cells to make things cheaper and faster and bigger"
*Death is real in life, and life is real in death
*No one controls how you feel but you!
*We find our Karma in the way we respond to situations
*Dogs make great friends
*Vitamin D... SUNSHINE!
*A garden is an excellent place to meditate
*Anger is one part fear, one part disappointment, two parts frustration shaken in the whatever cup you call life.
*Peace is what you find when you stop looking for acceptance and embrace the love within you.
*Love is what you find when you start making yourself an asset to those you hold dear and relinquish the ego.
*Life is this moment....

Secrets of my Soul

I have a snow man on my shelf....
Melting away at himself....
The room is heating up and the memory is fading
And how long can I love you is all I'm contemplating
Life is an anomaly, I read somewhere on a wall.
That was before I knew what it meant to really fall
And it was on that day, I knew I was doomed right then and there
My love will never end, and of that please love be aware
Pressed up against a wall, I find myself looking out to find my way back in
Wondering what, where and when?
Life has a little secret that he is waiting to tell
Am I receiving the wishes I have thrown down your wishing well?
Or will you or I find another along the way?
Wondering if I will stay or walk away....

The Self....

The choices I make not only affect me, they affect those around me and for that I feel responsible on some level for the happiness of those that I care about. I feel like being selfish got me to a certian point, being selfless got be to another and now I have to be self conscious and selfless in such a way that I am able to find that perfect balance for those I want to keep close in my life.

Tonight I am going to remember....

Sometimes you may have to give up what you want right now for what you have wanted for your whole life. You may have to give up something for yourself to give something to those you love. At the end of the day you might even have to give up your own sense of safety and well beeing to help another. But after a while it doesn't feel like your giving up anything at all.... after all love is never lost only redirected....

Heart Story....

Paper mache heart....made up of tiny newspapers and art
created by the composers and characters of my life...

There is a painting of a heart, dripping to the floor... a coupon for happily ever after... 2 for 1 drink specials....

Many articles left behind are written in a foreign language I have yet to learn and covered by the score of last weeks Charger game.
Some leave classified adds....."For Sale, one soul.... will take drugs, sex, or melodrama."
Others leave personal adds "SWM, no social skills, with eyes to kill, lives just below fickel hill and will do anything for a cheap thrill."

I know that my heart is

Some headlines read "Bar room brawl, leads to high speed chase." You can never read the details you just have to wait for a personal encounter...Others are insipid, overly critical and decisive leaving me to wonder, what did I do? At what point do you make more than just an article on my heart?

ireland....

I woke up this morning, and the fog and sea breaze made it remind me of Ireland outside. Got me to smile a smile I almost forgot about. The smile of enchantment, and life lessons, history and wonder... So blessed to have been there, so fortunate to have been able to stay. Learning every day, loving even more, missing my view of St Patricks Cathedrial... whats your story?

Water Pump....

When it rains it pours, were the last words I uttered before an entire steaming hot pot of tea spilled on my feet... and I couldn't help but laugh for a brief second before the tea made its way through the leather of my shoes and began to burn inbetween my toes. It was then that I realized.... I haven't had a bad day in a while and well.... looks like I was over due.

Jellyfish

Whats in a spine? And what in the hell do you think your doing with mine? It belongs in my back, where I stand shot but tall and you without one are bound to fall.....

We're all sheep....

Question: How stupid is the average American or the law that comes out of the mistakes made? Does it surprise anyone that its illegal to bowl down the sidewalk in Chico? Or that in Fresno you can't host a Poker Tournament in an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL? That must really upset all of the degenerate 9 year old gamblers!
In Lompoc its illegal to own roosters and in Ontario they can't crow within the city limits..... sounds like they should consider both laws?! Holloywood has a law that you cant drive over 2,000 sheep down Hollywood blvd at the same time...And all I can think is... seriously WHO in Hollywood has 2,000 sheep and how in the hell do you take more than a hundred sheep anywhere at anytime? Okay, okay, okay...this one gets me and instigated this WHOLE blog..... Did you know that in Long Beach it is illegal to curse on a mini golf course.... and cars are the ONLY thing permitted to be in you garage? First off all I can't even think of a single Mini Golf Course in Long Beach  and seriously who doesn't use their garage for the multi-use storage facility? And what ass hole had their garage so over filled that it spontaneously combusted, in turn ruining it for the rest of us pack rats? After doing a bit more reading I have learned that San Francisco has some of the strangest laws of any place in California.... Its against the law is Frisco to wipe dirty underwear on a car or give oral sex...... The first one I can see... okay true its pretty fuckin disgusting for you to wipe your dirty underpants on a car; however, I can NOT believe that oral sex is against the law in San Francisco.... It just doesn't make sense, especially since San Francisco is one of the most liberal places in California.... I think I actually saw a man give oral sex to another man at the pride festival a few years ago up there..... So I wonder how many street bowling, blow job, shit pants, 2000 sheep, stuff in garage tickets have been written and who is the idiot that got the first one?

Blessed are those who love.....

I wanted to write you a story, a poem or a fable.... actually I was hoping to make love to you on that table.... and then I remembered, this girls on her best behavior and my goodness am I lucky that your not my neighbor. Because I have gotten a handle on your needs and another on your heart.... and most of my energy focused on a less complex body part. Im in as many pieces as that glass I dropped upon your floor, and just a closed or open as your ever swinging front door... but the one thing I know to be solid, the one thing I know to be true is that not a day goes by when I don't want to make sweet love to you. I wasn't ready when I met you... I had a lot of life to live, I pretended I could return all the love you had to give. I knew my potential then, far surpassed my action, and I am so sorry I didn't give you a bit more satisfaction. But here I am remembering whats and when... "I know I fucked up before".... "but I promise to be nothing like I was back then"..... Your my friend first and I truly want you to be happy.... and Lover I am so so sorry this blogs a little sappy! Its just you seem to walk back in and remind me of why I loved you from the jump street, Im holding on to those words you say  like somehow they are mine to keep....  If the traffic on the road to your heart soon fades, please let me know because there is plenty of love to be made... Blessed love

just a thought.....

The kinetic vs potential, offering a brief glance at woman vs man one running full speed, the other with full speed in hand..... "Ill offer you forever" she says, as he wonders "what's for dinner?", she reaches out her hand to him, because this one is a beginner.

Growing....Growing.... Gone!

"But I have come a long way...." was the last thing I uttered before you smiled and turned away.... and it was just then that I realized... you see right through me. You know where Im coming from, and remember most of where I have been, everything came full circle for you and me just then. I said I was sorry for all of the messes I have made, with depth and image so vivid you would think it was Thomas Kincade. Forgive me of my faults, mistakes, accidents, and shame forgive me for the conspiracy, plotting and unnecessary blame.... I know not how simple your life was way back then.... I know not a way to take my mind from what could have been.... Stepping on your heart and balls wasn't my great intention, I really wanted to love you, but that I forgot to mention....
Lost in the anomaly commonly known as my own mind, unsure how to let go of the pieces my heart has intertwined. Never fully closing my own doors... getting many slammed hard in my face. Knocks me down a peg or two and puts me right in my place!

Back on my knees.... but if Im here all alone.... who am I to please?
Maybe I should pray....

Melt with you.....

Its heating up in here and I know its not because you walked in.... The sun is burning spots on my heart and in my skin. The air we are breathing is polluting down to our core, the way were treating the planet.... is making mother nature a whore. Someone is raping her sky, pillaging her trees, holding her down to drill, then forcing her to her knees. BEGGING FOR MERCY..... she is crying.... inside she is dying.... and I have to ask, are you even trying?
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Trust No Bitch....

The secret is in the sauce.... or at least "that's what she said" and all that keeps running through my mind is how I should have stayed in bed.
He has a baby, and shes got one on the way, they just got married and I think he proposed yesterday... and then there is my life. The one that has been plotted from day one, somehow all my knots untied and my plots have been undone... I have patience and hope just as much as the next, a bit of pure conviction that leaves most men perplexed. But somehow I feel it already appropriately true... that the only way a man would stick is if I were made of glue. I have to stop acting like only I know because while I might know a real good way, there is a million ways to grow. Its purely my own doing that I am almost too difficult to comprehend but I would have to blame the liars, cheats and ass holes for for my hearts surviving on liquid mend.... Mean mean girl... can't keep her smart ass mouth shut, but at least my condescending self lets you know what is what..... Not feeding you lies... that renders me your queen or just some bitch, just like the thin line between love and hate... you alone can decide which is which....

next or last....

This is the point of no return....and the lessons that I learned will be gathered and used as sutures for the wounds that I have earned.
Because every now and again I am faced with circumstances so far out of my control that I allow myself to resort to childhood with desire to hide in the nearest hole. And as much as I said that "I just want you to be happy"... I wanted you to find that happiness in me... And now its seems we must agree to disagree... Because I know I am not that girl I imagined in my head... I know I could not fulfill all those promises that I said. This selfish little bitch has surfaced and I feel helpless once again, not because I cant control the kid in me but because Im being a shitty friend. I want to say Im so happy, stoked, and overjoyed for all the excitement of your new little boy. So its best if we take a break from sight, a hiatus from your touch, a semi-permanent good bye from " I miss you oh so much".... because your heart is no longer mine to hurt due to lack of care, your tiny little pieces have been swept up and put in the shop for repair.... and this is my I am sorry, for not being a better fit....but I suppose this is best for both, as hard as that is to admit. I want to say I am proud of you, for growing up so fast. And how Im not surprised that you saved the best for last. You were my first real love, and also my first true friend and as much as my pride wants to stomp off, that friendship will never end. Its hard for me to say without feeling a little crazy.... but I can't wait to meet the little lady, and I am so excited about the baby. I simply must say Thank you, for helping me to change my ways... If you hadn't taught me about respect in love, I would be doomed to lonely days.... and fuck if I don't end up the cat lady anyways.... LoL
Thank you Friend....

Again.....

I puked a little in my mouth when I heard the news. And Im not too proud to say I swallow and chase it with some booze. The taste that was left in my mouth, somewhat resembles my mood knowing all that shit you fed me, well... none of that was food!

hearts they are a beatin....

So then it hit me...like a ton of bricks to the head. I have always been in control of this situation I was just never quite aware of what "this" was until now. The self. Me....I.....Within me there is the ability to "make lead, follow or get the hell out of the way" and within every option I have there is a brief moment to prove to myself who I really am. With every choice I am given a little gift from God to either make the most of or make a mess of... so then I leap. My existenz begins.... and my fears fade to black........ I will wait for nothing and fear even less Sine Metu.......

M.I.A.

You left your heart on my pillow just before you kissed me goodnight, and as much as I would love to keep it and hold it close, I have a felling that just isn't right....
I think you might be needing it back in your chest. Time wounds all heals and I think you may need a rest. And as much as I would love to be your blanket to hold close in the night, the pillow you lay your worries on and your soothing voice to tell you every little things gonna be alright. I just can't..
Your story to real, and mirrored to my own.... only the story I didn't write, the one before I was grown. Im so sorry my sweet.... I can't tell you how to handle what your going through, still fearful of walking away from you.
But none the less here you are my dear, I am giving this bloody mess back to do with it what you will. Although I must admit longing for you was quite a thrill......
I refuse be your everything, when you wont even let me know who you are, then every little bit I learn leaves me with a little scar..... Be about you, be about change, be about true be somewhat strange... Remember where your came from, where your going, where you have been, remember to take that new car for a spin. Don't forget whats your priority, remember love is the minority, and that you have authority to make love, break love, hope love, poke love, take love, fake love, peace love..... peace love..... peace love.....until then.... love

Lessons learned, lessons earned, lesson....burned!

If a tree falls and hits my car while I am sleeping will it make a sound? And if it does....will I learn my lesson and not park there again? Or will I hope that the tree trimmers that came out each following morning, might have done a sufficient enough job to leave my new car safe.....Should I have bought tree insurance?

In every moment of our life.... there is a lesson to be learned, a scar to be earned and a way to get burned.... but we have to take the initiative and have our head on the shoulders that God gave us to fully see which way is which.....

Background......My streets are lined with beautiful large pine trees that were obviously not planned very well when the neighborhood was built due to their rather obtrusive nature on the streets, sidewalks and yards now that they are close to full grown.
I returned from vacation about 3 weeks ago and parked my car across the street in front of my neighbor Dennis' house. Now this particular spot used to be where Dennis parked his car because his wife's white Cadillac was parked in the driveway. She even went so far as to buy him a "Dennis Parking Only" novelty sign and nail it to the tree in front of their house... did I mention this sign was the last thing she bought her husband before she died?.... he eventually sold her Cadillac, and began to park his car in the driveway. So the neighbors are again free to park there. Unless you own a white Cadillac like I do. Because then, on two separate nights... EXACTLY 3 weeks apart... at 1:30 in the morning you will be woken up to the information that the tree that marks "Dennis' Parking Only" has dropped a HUGE limb on your car..... And here is the kicker. My car is parked in that exact same spot as I sit here an write today.
So back to the matter at hand... the parallels with this exact situation that LIFE has given me to that of my own life... Now a tree... the SAME tree has fallen on my car on two separate occasions... and unfortunately as it may be, this is how I seem to make decisions and learn in life. I make a mistake, get burned, earn a scar, suffer damage to my car, wish on a star and walk away learning from a far. Because I do it again.... knowing the risk.... just because I hope that this time might be different. And I know its not just me... I know more people than I can count on my hands and toes who are living on the hopes "maybe it wont happen this time", but Einstein said it best.............."Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result'" Now I have to wonder.... will I learn my lesson before the whole tree falls on me and park my car and my soul somewhere else and if I do that... will a different tree fall and crush me just the same or will I remain safe here with the newly trimmed beast hovering over me...Is this the trees coming for me to seek revenge for their smaller hemp sisters? Does this parallel my relationships? Is a ghost dropping limbs on my car? Does any of this mean anything??? To be continued.